My dad was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago now, it feels like forever. The day we found out the doctors were quite brutal and told us immediately that it was terminal and that he had around 12 months to live. I think this was the day my life changed forever.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
First of all I went into terrible shock and pain was so strong, I don’t think I stopped crying for a week. And I found I had no words, what can you possibly say when the outlook is so bleak and you’re having to drive home from that appointment. It really, truly broke my heart. I was always close to my dad and felt as though he understood me, I think we were quite similar and I miss him terribly.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Looking back now after living through those terrible times I can see that the death of my father changed me fundamentally and forever. When he died there was overwhelming grief but also some relief that he wasn’t suffering anymore, it is truly awful to see those you love suffering this terrible disease. But as the months passed I didn’t seem to cope as well as others I know who have been through something similar and I couldn’t seem to move forward at all. I felt stuck in that moment and nothing I could do would allow me to move on with my life. I felt like I was failing where everyone else seemed to be getting on ok.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Now it’s 18 months since my dad died and for the first time I’m beginning to realise that I’m not stuck, I’m just different. Different to how I was before and that’s ok. I am beginning to understand that I will never be ‘light’ in the way I was before but that I can be different things. I can be more empathetic, I am more appreciative, my outlook on life is different and the saying ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ is something that I actually mean when I say it.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I feel as though I am coming out of a long, dark tunnel and feel so lucky to have Illumer in my life. Thank you to everyone that has supported us, it’s a personal journey too and we hope that it continues to bring light into our lives ✨✨